Minnesota Vikings fans know Adrian Peterson as “Purple Jesus”, because of his extreme athletic ability and part in reviving the Minnesota offense from the dead. Before he was drafted, the running game was anemic, and the rest of the offense wasn’t faring much better due to the departure of Randy Moss as well as the less than stellar QB play of one Tarvaris Jackson. “T Jack”, as Jackson calls himself couldn’t throw a tantrum, much less a complete pass, and his pathetic display as the play caller was a failed experiment from Day 1.
T Jack’s particular brand of suckiness led to the signing of one Brett Lorenzo Favre…
Wait.
Lorenzo? WTF?
/checks Wikipedia/
Fuck me. Lorenzo it is. Brett, or “T Mobile” as the ladies call him, signed with the Vikings last year and immediately went on a tear that made Minnesota look like the goddamn New England Patriots. The 40 year old QB took his intrepid band of purple clad warriors to the NFC Championship and was within one play of going to the Super Bowl. Later it was found that he destroyed his ankle and was playing in pain that few could stomach. The “after” pictures were enough to make a Medical Examiner wince…
Even though the Vikings suck rancid ass this year and Favre has thrown 1,489 interceptions, he is still an iron man. He has played through an elbow injury, a fractured foot and heel, a gash on his chin requiring 12 stitches, a probable concussion from the same incident, and now a shoulder injury that could result in his throwing arm falling off. All at 41 years old. Yet he has started 297 consecutive games in the NFL, and if history is any indication, will make that 298 tonight in Detroit. Even if he has to play with one arm, like that guy Harrison Ford was chasing in “The Fugitive”.
He is doing all of this mind you, in the midst of a sex scandal of sorts. He is accused of “sexting” this icon of womanly virtue…
Demure, isn’t she? Her name is Jenn Sterger. While they both worked for the Jets, Lorenzo is accused of texting her and wanting to have sex with her. That’s right, he wanted to have sex with the incredibly hot woman pictured above…
The fucking animal. He should be shot.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH WANTING TO HAVE SEX WITH HER? Blind men want to fuck her. Gay men would turn straight to fuck her. Hell, 75% of the women reading this want to fuck her. How is this the crime of the century? Ok, so he also allegedly texted her pictures of his stubble covered wiener. So what? Have him autograph the cockshots and sell them on EBay. Problem solved. Why report the incident two fucking years later? If you were so offended by old man pecker, notify the goddamn authorities as soon as you get 8 x 10’s of one. Don’t wait until the night before the Vikings play the Jets to leak the story to a website. It doesn’t exactly indicate a pressing need for justice, does it?
She claims to be some sort of journalist or sideline reporter but as far as I can tell her job is to stretch T-shirts and wiggle her ass. But it’s ok. She went to college to learn her craft…
Don’t get me wrong. If a woman is harassed in a manner that makes her feel scared or uneasy, I am the first motherfucker to advocate a punch in the nads. I hate bullies and think people who harm women and children deserve the death penalty. I’m sensitive like that. But this situation reeks of headline grabbing and an opportunistic display of “victimhood”. Apparently the NFL agrees. The normally suspension happy league has held off on any action, despite threats from Sterger’s camp and a completed investigation.
So not only is he an iron man, he’s also a lucky son of a bitch. Because despite what I just said, Favre was a dumb ass to send pictures of his schlong to a woman he just met. Makes you wonder at the shit he got away with in Green Bay, where they thought he was a god…
Wait.
Not a god…
Son of a bitch. Favre is God. Not in the “You are an awesome football player” sense. I mean in the “I will strike your ass down with a fucking thunderbolt” way. It all makes sense now. Miraculous healing? Check. Miracle comebacks? Plenty of them. Plays that should have had no earthly way of succeeding but did? You’re goddamn right. Holy punishment befalling his enemies? I am surprised that Brad Childress doesn’t have ass cancer as we speak. But Favre did get him fired as Head Coach, so that counts too.
Come to think of it, a huge snowstorm SUDDENLY appears and keeps the New York Giants from reaching Minnesota for yesterday’s game. So the league moves the game to Monday, giving his Holiness an extra day to heal and extend the starting streak. Then, cause He’s all biblical and shit, he causes the roof of the Metrodome to IMPLODE. This causes the game to be moved to Detroit, the Sodom and/or Gomorrah of the NFL. Prime ground for some proselytizing.
Those Detroit fuckers better be nice to Purple Yahweh. WATCH YOUR STEP AND NO ASSHATTERY TONIGHT, MOTOR CITY! HE CONTROLS THE FUCKING ELEMENTS, DOUCHEBAGS!!!
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