I was talking to my ex-girlfriend the other day. Understand that this is widely viewed as a bad idea in most of the civilized world, but she was calling to invite me to her college graduation on Friday. While I would love to brag that I am such a stud that college age women flock to me, let me explain.
While she is about 10 years younger than me, Linda was one of the thousands of people who left college the first time because she simply wasn’t ready to give her full attention to the task. We got along so well because I fell into this category as well, though I had remedied the situation before we met. I spent much of the first two years we were together trying to convince her to go back to school.
“You know you’re one of the smarter people I know. You should probably just suck it up and go back to college.”
“I can’t do that. I crashed and burned the first time. They wouldn’t let me back in.”, she would always answer.
“If that was true, they wouldn’t have let me back in, much less let me stay for a Master’s degree. The first time I was in school I was simultaneously placed on academic AND conduct probation the same semester. Hell, I failed Art 100 because it started at 7:30am.”
“You say that like you’re proud..”
“I am actually. Do you know the kind of effort it takes to fail a class that consists of drawing and watching slideshows? That’s a level of commitment you will never be able to match, honey.”
“I really don’t want to know, but how did you manage conduct probation as well?”
“Hung a linebacker by his ankles from the third floor of Johnson Hall.”
“You did what? Why would you do that to another person? And a football player?”
“He was third string. I think they used him as a tackling dummy to preserve the equipment. And he deserved it because he cut in line in the bathroom. That is a dick move that requires retribution.”
And so it went. I eventually convinced her to go and she is graduating in a few days. We broke up about a year ago because I suddenly noticed that she was crazy. Either that or she suddenly became crazy. But after much beer-induced reflection, I believe it was the former and that she had always been crazy. Great sex is Temporary Alzheimer’s Syndrome to those of us with a Y-chromosome. Consider that your Understanding Men tip of the day, ladies.
So, being co-dependent (and crazy. Did I mention crazy?), she found another boyfriend fairly quickly. I still golf with her Dad, so we ran into each other a few times and I met the dude. Between us, I actually think that he is a good guy. They’ve been living together for 6 months and he hasn’t smothered her in her sleep yet, so bonus right? However, the BDC Man Code states:
Thou shalt not be cool to an ex-girlfriend’s new man friend. Exceptions are as follows: NFL Players, Any Member of AC/DC, Really Good Financial Advisors, Jesse James, Any Member of Pink Floyd Except Roger Waters Cause He’s A Prick, and The Guy Who Invented Fat Tire Pale Ale.
So when I’m around them, I act like a complete ass. Now I am the first to admit that this is not a far step at all from my regular personality. But her Dad thinks it’s funny as hell and the new guy kisses my ass because I’m bigger than him and she still seems to place value on my opinion. I sense that I am walking a fine line between amusing myself and actually breaking them up, in which case she will probably try and get back together with me. Since this cannot in any way be allowed to happen, I may have to start giving him my approval.
Grudgingly, of course. The Man Code must be obeyed.