Of Carpet Munching and Seafood...

I have a friend whose wife actually left him for a woman.  By that I mean she found his manhood so off-putting that she has sworn off penises for life.  At least that's what I tell him every time we talk, which for some reason has become fewer and farther between.

 Glenn, as we'll call him, mostly because that's his real name (should've paid me for that Cowboys bet, douchebag), has not had great luck with women.  In point of fact, he has had abysmal luck with women.  Whenever one of us was completely shit upon by a female, we invariably cheered ourselves up by saying, "Hey, at least I'm/you're not Glenn."  Then we laughed ourselves silly while pointing and laughing at him and ordering another beer.  Good times....

All of this was made worse by the fact that we were all cops at the time.  There is nothing more humiliating than turning your wife lesbian other than being a cop and turning your wife lesbian.  Cops are like 6th graders on crack when it comes to pointing out any and all human foibles.  Needless to say, Glenn did not enjoy going to work after the divorce.  We used to post carpet ads and pictures of clams on his locker just to remind him of his ex-wife's favorite meals.  Once, a less than imaginative patrolman hung a picture of Tera Patrick going to town on some girl on Glenn's locker as a joke.  We taped his ass cheeks together for lack of creativity. It was embarrassing really....

Did I mention the woman his ex-wife ended up with was probably the hottest human being on the planet?  That was fun too.  Glenn had to endure our graphic ruminations on what positions and "marital aids" the two women were using.  We asked him to see if they would agree to make a movie for us to show at the Christmas party.  The final straw, I think, was seeing the two women making out at a nightclub we had all gone to after work one night.  He threw his beer at the wall and yelled that we needed to leave as he stormed out to the car.  We understood, I mean, it had to be difficult watching the show.  An hour later we walked outside and went home.  Hey, I drove...

Glenn transferred to another PD the next month.  I also left police work all together the next year to go back to school.  He calls every now and then, mostly during the Holidays.  He has since been remarried to a very nice woman, who to my knowledge does not like to lick vaginas.  But I know he's scared to death that he'll turn another one.  You can hear it in his voice.  I try to reassure him, but after going through what he went through, he doesn't believe me.  Well that plus he's a pussy.  Which makes me wonder why the first wife left him, considering her current proclivity.  Fuck it, I gotta go finish cutting out rug ads to put in Glenn's Christmas card....