Saturday, December 11, 2010

Pissing the Night Away....

I have neighbors who like to sing karaoke.  Whenever they have their friends over for a few cocktails, I can be sure that before long the karaoke machine in the garage will be fired up and I will be treated to the melodious sounds of Streisand, Manilow, and Whitney Houston.  By the way, have you SEEN Whitney lately?


Wack, indeed.

Anyway, my neighbors.  Now I am as much of a fan of the occasional sing along as anybody.  In fact, I do not feel like it is bragging to say that I can lay down the Neil Diamond like nobody's business.  But my neighbors sound like they are deep frying live cats when they sing.  The singing is so bad, I believe Al Qaeda is trying to weaponize it.  And it's not just one person.  They ALL suck.  It's a statistical impossibilty to put together a group that sings that bad randomly.  Out of 10 average people anywhere, mathematically at least one of them should be capable of carrying a tune.  So I can only conclude that this particular group of tone deaf, mumbling, and screeching shit birds was gathered together ON PURPOSE.  There had to be an audition that made the preliminary rounds of American Idol sound like the goddamn Vienna Boys Choir in comparison.  Pants on the ground, fuckers. Pants on the ground...



To make matters worse, none of these musically challenged individuals speak English as their first language.  Or second language from the sound of it.  It's like living next to the touring company of Close Encounters of the Third Kind: The Musical.  I don't even know what fucking language they are speaking.  The other day they were singing a song that wasn't half bad.  I couldn't understand the words, so I figured they were performing a song from their native land.  Then I caught the chorus:

I get knocked down, and I get up again,
You aint never gonna keep me down..

Fucking Chumbawumba.  Even when they speak English, I haven't a damn clue as to what they are saying.  If you have never heard a heavily accented version of "Tub Thumping" consider yourselves blessed by God. 

Me?  Not so much.  I'm gonna go find somewhere to get drunk and belt out "Sweet Caroline".  Nothing clears the mind of bad karaoke better than a rousing rendition of a Neil Diamond classic.  He's the Jewish Elvis...

1 comment:

  1. Neil Diamond. Neil fucking Diamond. Nice
    O' You probably want to know how I found you. The truth is...I can't fucking remember. Your website made me laugh. It made me laugh and piss my pants and then I became distracted so I forgot.
    Neil Fucking Diamond
    Nice.

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