Porn, naturally. You can only watch so many reruns of “American Chopper” before feeling the need to end someone’s life, so I spent a large (yet not abnormal) amount of time reviewing pornographic offerings on Al Gore’s Internet invention. The Internet is a valuable tool for increasing productivity, spreading vital information, bridging international chasms of communication, buying Snuggies, and getting your rub on, if you get my meaning.
Not necessarily in that order.
I am by no means passing myself off as an expert in the ways of perversion and pornography. I’m no slouch to be sure, but I am sure that there are millions of hairy-knuckled, pale-skinned, raw-dicked guys out there who spend countless hours every day whacking it and letting loose loads of tadpole shaped palm children on the family drapes. And I am equally certain that there are millions of women out there rubbing it out au natural or draining batteries like a Samsung Vibrant while watching “Avatar”.
This is merely a quick review of the state of International porn, a country by country roundup of what’s out there. And believe me, there is a surprising amount of porn on the Internet. Yeah, color me shocked. Fuck 31 flavors at Baskin and Robbins. There are thousands of sub genres in pornography, and in the 7 days I was stuck at home, I was committed enough to view every one of them. Yes, I care enough to do that for YOU. You’re welcome.
Japanese porn is interesting. They mosaic (blur) the actual genitalia and penetration, but have no compunction in showing the “money shot” in graphic detail. So I am not allowed to see some Japanese guy’s pecker, but I can watch him skeet soy-flavored semen all over some dentally-challenged ex-Disney Japan employee? Even through the mosaic, it is obvious that the female participants need to “mow the lawn” a bit before getting in front of a camera. A little turf on the field is cool, but let’s not get all “grassy plains of the Kalahari”, ladies.
And can somebody tell me why they always make sounds like a monkey being impaled by a broomstick? It’s almost enough to make a guy stop watching.
Almost.
One of these girls is named Maria Ozawa and she has spectacular frontal assets. I mean they are the stuff dreams are made of. I remember reading somewhere that she is part Japanese and part Caucasian and speaks both languages, which I bring up only because of the fact that she makes those same damn noises when she’s having sex. But you can tell it’s forced, because when she really starts getting in to it, she loses the monkey noises and appears to have to remind herself that she is required to sound like Curious George humping a flagpole. I can only conclude that this noise is an affectation that turns Japanese men on for some reason, which reinforces my belief that foreigners are, indeed, fucking strange.
I’ve only seen one actual Chinese porn movie in my life. And a half an hour later, I wanted more porn! Hey now!!!
Sorry, couldn’t resist. I have actually seen one, actual made in China, porn movie. And since I am a judgmental prick, I feel it’s perfectly reasonable to judge every Chinese porn ever made by that one example. It was bizarre, because they couldn’t figure out if it was porn or a Kung Fu movie. People were spinning around and fucking from treetop to treetop like horny, over-caffeinated pigeons. And for some reason they wouldn’t get naked. They sort of just pulled their robes aside, pumped like crazy for a few minutes, then went on their way. I remember there was a dragon at some point (of course), and a blind guy with a cane (naturally). Don’t remember if they fucked each other though…
German Porn. Fuck this shit is sick. There appears to be a law in Germany that you are not allowed to star in a porn movie if you are a female and: a) under 60 years old; b) own AND know how to use a razor; c) weigh less than a small love seat; and d) are attractive in any way. There must be some lingering sociological effect from getting spanked in two World Wars, because these people have severe self-esteem problems. Between letting people piss in their mouths or shit on their chests, there are some serious toileting issues that maybe the school system needs to address or something. A little fucking decorum is in order, people! Jesus…
I saw one clip where a hirsute Fraulein found the need to do herself with the stick shift of a Mercedes. Yes. A Mercedes.
Does she know what that does to the fucking resale value?
Not to mention the sanitary issues. You’d have to douche with a garden hose and a gallon of Clorox after that. Worse if it was a rental. You’d never get the deposit back, that’s for sure…
When they aren’t relieving themselves on each other or violating automobiles, they are industriously fornicating in public bathrooms, on trains, on crowded highways, dressed as farm animals, encased head to toe in latex, wearing gas masks, and hanging from various hooks and other hardware. It’s a wonder they ever get around to making Volkswagens and Sauerkraut with all the fucking that goes on. They also like to fuck old people. A lot. If I never see another grey pube in my life, I will die a happy man. Distinguished, my ass…keep your old scrotum in your drawers, Hans. I don’t need to see it.
Indian porn is…different. I mean 7-11 Indian, not scalp your ass Indian. For some reason, they feel the need to wear a lot of jewelry while riding the baloney pony. The jingling is almost distracting, in a Hare Krishna, selling flowers at the airport kind of way. Now you have to know that there is a niche where some geographically unaware ass hat finds a hot Hispanic girl, throws her in a sari and some costume jewelry, and has her Bend it like Beckham. The fake accents are terrible but they are very…enthusiastic. The authentic stuff is usually much more grainy, filmed with poor lighting, and less energetic. The men all look like this guy…
/shudder/
Yeah. I’ll pass.
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