Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Friends in Low Places

I have suddenly become very popular with my friends since beginning this blog.  While normal, socially appropriate, and emotionally mature adults would be reluctant to have their misadventures plastered all over the internet, my particular group of malcontents is clamoring to be the next subject of one of my missives.

I received a call from Donny yesterday, extremely excited that he was the subject of the last post.  While most of the content was directed at pointing out what a douche nugget his cousin was, he was happy that his name appeared in the title. 

My friends are easily impressed.

He did, however, lobby for more stuff about him, even pointing out the stupid things he has done recently in an attempt to get more exposure.

“The car thing, with me going into the mountain.  You could have wrote more about that.”

“I could have WRITTEN more about that you illiterate jackass.  And I chose not to because the staggering stupidity of your cousin makes you look like Albert Einstein.”

And he’s not the only one.  I have received calls and emails from people I haven’t spoken to in months, wanting to be written about and basically ridiculed in public.  When I point out that I have not, as of yet, bothered to give my subject’s false names, they are fine with it.  Most are actually counting on it. 

Yes, my friends have problems.

I did, however, receive a tip about my friend Malcolm’s recent experience sleeping at a friend’s apartment that, I believe, illustrates my point about my friend’s being sick sons of bitches.  And not that bright either, let’s not forget that.

We have a friend named Sean who is very gay.  By very gay, I mean he makes those Queer Eye guys look like Chuck fucking Norris.  But he’s funny as hell and can bust balls with the best of them.  And by bust balls I mean give other people shit and not in any other way he may choose to spend his free time.  In any case, Sean is a giant prick like the rest of us and likes to screw with people.  And not in the…fuck it, never mind…

Malcolm, Sean, and another friend named Joe went out drinking last month to celebrate Tuesday or some other inconsequential shit.  My friends don’t really need a good reason to get hammered, so they have been known to celebrate the Vernal Equinox if it can be used as an excuse for a party.  In college, we once held a two day party in memoriam of a girl’s hamster passing on to the great Hamster Wheel in the sky.  And yes, it was a touching celebration of Peanut’s life, as far as I recall…

So it was Tuesday and the three amigos headed out in the early afternoon for a bite to eat and many, many drinks.  Being socially responsible individuals, they parked at Sean’s place and took a cab to the festivities.  After a hefty meal of Indian food to coat the stomach, they got completely and incoherently drunk.  The details of the actual drinking were not related to me, as I am sure none of them have a clear recollection.  The story picked up during the cab ride back to Sean’s.

Malcolm began to get extremely agitated during the ride because he suddenly realized that he needed to take a rather urgent shit.  The other two did not help matters by finding this extremely hilarious and aggravating the matter by purposefully giving the cab driver the wrong directions.  At one point they were actually in front of Sean’s house and made the guy drive two more blocks, claiming they were in the wrong place.

Now this was all well and good until recycled Indian food odors began to permeate the cab as Malcolm began to…relieve the pressure, so to speak.  This sobered Sean and Joe up quickly and they suddenly remembered the correct address.  As Sean unlocked the door, Malcolm bolted past him, unbuttoning his pants on the move, and barely made in to the bathroom in time.  What followed, was described to me by the others as the “most foul, unholy, and deafening crap ever taken”, and literally shook the walls of Sean’s delicate little bathroom.

Emerging from the bathroom shortly afterwards, a very drunk and still agitated Malcolm announced to the other two that he “must have blew an O-ring” during his mistreatment of Sean’s toilet, because he noticed blood when he wiped himself.  Having already experienced too many of Malcolm’s bodily functions and their attendant repercussions, they maneuvered the drunk to the couch and put him too bed, while they finished off a bottle of Cabo Wabo as a nightcap.

Now, as men tend to do when we are drinking in the vicinity of someone who has passed out, a plot began to hatch.  They ran through a quick laundry list of stuff they could do to our buddy but soon arrived at the obvious.  While Joe undressed the still comatose Malcolm, Sean got the camera out, got naked too, and began a photo shoot that would make Caligula blush.  Having enough fun for the evening, they put the camera away and retired.

When Malcolm woke up the next morning, he was understandably fuzzy on the details of the previous night.  By feigning ignorance and acting guilty, Joe and Sean had Malcolm a little worried about what he had done.  Malcolm kept asking if he had forgotten to pay his bill, or had made an ass of himself the night before.  He also made the following statement:

“Speaking of ass, why does mine hurt?  Feels like my butthole is on fire.”

In their buildup to the big photo shoot reveal, Joe and Sean had forgotten about the power poop that Malcolm had pulled off earlier and the resulting…tissue damage…that had occurred.  To quote Sean:

“This was just too fucking sweet an opportunity to pass up.  I just had to do it.”

Thus began the most uncomfortable 10 minutes of Malcolm’s life.  With pictorial assistance, Sean and Joe began to spin the most elaborate load of crap they could think of about the wild sexual encounter that Malcolm had engaged in with Sean the gay guy.  Sean even had Mal convinced that he had been the one who instigated the man on man love, with Sean trying to talk him out of it, but finally “giving in because you were too much man.”

At that, Malcolm just picked up his keys, gathered his stuff, and walked out of the house without saying a word.  He still believes to this day that he had sex with a man.  Hopefully he doesn’t read this and realize that Joe and Sean pulled one over on him.  This is just too good of a gag to let him off the hook so easily.

Then again he’s probably too busy looking at gay porn to read blogs….


  1. I've had friends do the same thing. Except for the butt hole wrenching shit, they took a condom filled the end of it with mayo and stuck it in his ass crack. It only worked because he, like your friend, passed out at a gay guys house.

    He woke up and was really pissed off. So they told him it was just mayo and if he didn't believe them he'd have to taste it. He never did taste it. He says regardless "IT NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED, you assholes"

  2. Your style is really unique in comparison to other people
    I have read stuff from. Thanks for posting when you have the opportunity,
    Guess I will just bookmark this page.
    Here is my web page as by cartoon ginger porn told

  3. After I initially left a comment I seem to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments
    are added- checkbox and now whenever a comment is added I get four emails with the
    same comment. Perhaps there is a means you are able to remove me from that service?
    Many thanks!
    My web blog -

  4. fantastic points altogether, you just won a emblem new reader.
    What may you recommend about your post that you simply made a few days ago?
    Any sure?
    Here is my webpage ; Daily XXX Video Fix of teen porn with naked girls sex movies

  5. Unquestionably believe that that you stated. Your favourite justification appeared to
    be on the net the simplest thing to keep in mind of. I
    say to you, I certainly get annoyed even as folks think about concerns that they just don't recognise about. You managed to hit the nail upon the highest and outlined out the whole thing without having side-effects , other folks can take a signal. Will likely be back to get more. Thanks
    Feel free to surf my web-site ; porn

  6. If you want to get a great deal from this paragraph then you
    have to apply these techniques to your won website.
    Here is my web-site - Eavesdrop /Eavesdropping

  7. We stumbled over here from a different website and thought I might
    as well check things out. I like what I see so i am just following you.
    Look forward to looking into your web page again.
    Also see my webpage > total gym

  8. Malaysia & Singapore & brunei ultimate internet blogshop for wholesale & quantity korean accessories, accessories, earstuds, necklace, rings, bracelet, bracelet & hair accessories.
    Deal 35 % wholesale price cut. Ship Worldwide
    Also visit my blog :

  9. I drop a comment whenever I like a article on a site or I have something to add
    to the conversation. It's a result of the fire displayed in the post I looked at. And on this post "Friends in Low Places". I was actually excited enough to create a thought :-) I do have 2 questions for you if you do not mind. Is it just me or do some of these comments look like left by brain dead people? :-P And, if you are writing on other places, I would like to keep up with you. Could you make a list every one of all your communal sites like your Facebook page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?
    My weblog : Special Effects Photo

  10. Excellent beat ! I wish to apprentice at the same time
    as you amend your web site, how could i subscribe for a blog site?
    The account aided me a acceptable deal. I were tiny bit acquainted of
    this your broadcast provided bright transparent idea
    Feel free to visit my homepage - Visual Impact Muscle Building Review

  11. I've learn several good stuff here. Definitely worth bookmarking for revisiting. I wonder how a lot effort you place to create this type of wonderful informative site.
    My site ; best winter garden fl contractor

  12. Asking questions are in fact good thing if you
    are not understanding anything totally, except this piece of writing
    gives fastidious understanding yet.
    Also visit my blog ; endurance drink

  13. I really like your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you create this website yourself
    or did you hire someone to do it for you?
    Plz respond as I'm looking to design my own blog and would like to find out where u got this from. thanks

    Here is my web page :: quit smoking tobacco cigarettes

  14. This is really interesting, You are a very skilled blogger.
    I have joined your rss feed and look forward to seeking
    more of your great post. Also, I've shared your site in my social networks!

    My blog ... wii u rumors

  15. My family members all the time say that I am killing my time here at net, but I know I am
    getting familiarity every day by reading thes pleasant articles.

    Feel free to visit my website - long free videos of porn

  16. If you are going for most excellent contents like myself, only go
    to see this web page daily because it provides quality contents, thanks

    Here is my web-site; tight teen pussy

  17. Hi, I log on to your blog daily. Your writing style is witty, keep up the good work!

    Also visit my website