Saturday, October 9, 2010

John Wayne Ain't Dead, He's Living On A Farm In The Country...

Yeah, I didn't buy that shit when my parent's pulled that when I was a kid with dead pets either.  I mean who sends a goldfish to go live in the country...

So was watching John Wayne movies on one of the half a million cable channels I get and got to thinking about the best movies that he made. Of course you have to immediately rule out the ones that he dies in, I mean that shit was just wrong.  You don't kill off Superman and you sure as hell don't do it with Bruce Dern...the man's sole accomplishment in life is donating sperm to the creation of Laura  Dern for god's sake.

Anyway, the list is to your right. If you're not dyslexic that is and if you are you're fucked for reading this anyway. The first two, El Dorado and Rio Bravo were the same damn movie really.  Rio Bravo was just more musical due to the inclusion of Dean Martin and Ricky Martin. No relation...Imagine the balls it took for Howard Hawks to cast Dean Martin as a drunk.  The man was a freakin' visionary, I tell you.  El Dorado wins simply because of the presence of Sonny Corleone, I mean James Caan.  He could kick both of the Martin's asses so he gets the nod.  Survival of the fittest, bitches...

True Grit at number three.  Yes, many people would have that at number one. I might have except that they're remaking the damn thing with Matt Damon as the Glenn Campbell character. I hear Ben Affleck is playing his horse.  What? Too soon? Screw Matt Damon and his boy toy Affleck.  I'll never forgive them for making me pay money to see "Dogma".

McLintock at number four.  Pure comedy gold I tell you. Slapstick comedy with racism towards asian cooks and some spousal abuse for good measure.  The fact that they got away with it in the first place is freaking amazing. Remake that movie, Matt Damon, I fucking dare you...

The Green Berets.  The acting was terrible and the whole damn movie was an Army recruiting film. John Wayne had big brass balls to release this movie when the war in Vietnam was unpopular.  Unabashed pro-American storyline, teaching Charlie how to make the world safe for apple pie and baseball, and a little orphan kid searching helicopters for his dead American G.I. mentor. F'ing A!  All they were missing was an asian puppet singing "So Ronrey" and Jane Fonda being mauled by tigers.  If that movie didn't want to make you slog through a jungle smoking weed and singing "All Along the Watchtower", you are a freaking commie.


1 comment:

  1. You forgot to mention "The Searchers" and "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance" shitkicker.
    ....and "Dogma" rocked! Admittedly, I did wait to see it on cable. Although I did have the inclination, I did not have the time to break through the protest lines in front of the Kaahumanu Shopping Center when the movie debuted (Yep, Maui is fucked. All those crazy "new" arrivals on the island. You know who you are.)

    Maui Mike